Gone
by Franklet
Summary: FIRST FAN FIC - READ AT YOUR OWN RISK ;  Lily finally realised the truth in the saying, You never know what you've got until it's gone.


Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and I don't own Harry Potter. I did, Harry would be dead, Fred would still be alive and no child would have the name Albus Severus forced upon him )

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She hated him. Words could not describe how much she hated that stupid boy. Every day she woke up in her bed, staring at the hangings, wishing, hoping, that when she finally convinced herself to get out of the warmth _he_ would have just…disappeared. Gone. No longer there to torment her, no longer there to stare at her with those eyes of his

– _not the eyes that she secretly wanted to be looking at her, no not those ones. Not those gorgeous eyes that had a new colour swirling through them every time she glanced at him…not those ones…never those ones – _

Gone so that she could walk through the busy corridors, laugh with her friends and not have to clutch her books to her chest tightly, not have to worry that he would appear out of the crowds and try to trip her, try to make her drop her heavy school books and smirk as she picked them up, tears of frustration welling in her eyes

_- or even worse that he wouldn't appear out of no where and she would be able to walk down the halls, just another muggleborn in Hogwarts, not special at all –_

Gone so that in Charms she could let that warm feeling of pride grow in her tummy when she did a spell and she did it well, so that when Professor Flitwick smiled and clapped and praised her she could smile back and not have that feeling replaced with dread and humiliation as he whispered a snide comment she couldn't quite hear but _knew_ was about her and his friends all laughed and a sharp stab of pain and hurt would hit her and she'd lower her head back to her text books, furious

_- she was afraid if he did stop teasing her, mocking her, she would not strive as much as she did, that she wouldn't have the aching desire to prove herself, to show him and his stupid friends that she was better than him and his years of wizard upbringing, afraid that she needed him – _

She would lay in her bed, still drowsy with half remembered dreams of snitches and broomsticks, of laughing eyes and wind in her hair, of shrieks of fear and joy and wish with all her heart that he would just go away, leave her alone and let her eat her breakfast in peace that morning, that she would be able to enjoy her porridge the way she liked it (no sugar, lots of honey and almost cold) without him watching her, curious and mocking

_- was it mocking or was it something else…? Something she couldn't quite identify, something that would make her blush and look away before realizing what she had done and she'd turn back to glare at him, daring him to make her feel like she was stupid once more –_

Her fingers would play with her hair, wrapping it around her fingers, and she'd think about how much she hated him, about how much she wanted him gone, wanted him to just go away, stop teasing her in class and making her feel stupid, stop smirking at her and bragging about his Quidditch team and how great he was and make her feel inadequate because she didn't know what a Wronski Feint was and why you'd want your Seeker to pull it off, she wanted him to stop staring at her so that she thought she was doing something wrong, doing something that only a muggle born (filthy mudblood) would do and put her on edge. She wanted him to stop asking her out in that same smug tone, his friends behind him, sniggering and smirking, nudging each other as they watched, feelings of embarrassment and anger chasing each other in her stomach when she squashed the impulse to say yes because she knew he only kept after her because when she did say yes he would laugh at the muggleborns (mudbloods) audacity to think she was good enough for him

_- she forgot about the time Snape had called her a mudblood and he had been furious. She refused to remember it because it had all been a show, just another elaborate prank to get her to like him and to say yes. She ignored the pleasurable squirm her tummy gave when he turned those angry eyes on Snape and he defended her, but she squashed them, hid them, put it under a lock and key and reminded her self that she hated him and she hated him so much it hurt – _

She would sigh and get out of bed, already annoyed at him because he would stare at her, he would be late for the Head's meeting, he would ask her out and run his fingers though that damn hair of his and grin at her and she would snap and get angry and forget the ingredient she was about to put in her potion and then all she would be able to think about would be _him_ and his damn hair and his damn hands and that damn voice of his and how much of a _prat_ he was. Everday she woke up, ready for a fight and a battle and he gave her one, every night she went to bed, seething with anger and every morning she woke up, wishing he would be gone.

One day she got of her bed and he was gone. Her daily routine of reminding her self of how much she hated his attention and how much she wished he would leave her alone was wasted because…he did. She went to breakfast, steeling herself for his curious gaze and already had a few retorts swirling through her head…but...he didn't stare at her. He didn't even look at her.

_- her heart stopped beating for a split second and her stomach constricted. What had changed? – _

She flicked her hair over and shoulder and sat down with a sniff. Loud enough so he could hear her (she knew he heard her, she saw him stiffen) she told her friends how grateful it was Potter had gotten over his silly obsession with her breakfast and she could finally eat in peace. He didn't torment her in the corridors, he didn't laugh at her in Charms or in Transfiguration.

_- she could hardly concentrate on the Professors instructions, she kept on glancing back at Potter, watching him as he slide a note across to Black, a small frown creasing her forehead. Maybe he was sick? Maybe he'd had a fight Remus? Maybe – and her mind refused to voice this worrying doubt louder than a whisper – maybe he had given up on her and moved on – _

She cornered him during patrols two months later. Two months of her waking up every day wishing, hoping, that he'd come back, that he'd try to sneak sugar into her porridge every day, that same lopsided grin on his face, certain that he'd be able to convince her that it really was better with some taste, that he'd be back to following her from class to class, trying to get her attention, trying to make her look at him. Two months of trying even harder in class to do more magic, be faster, be better, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye to see if he had noticed…he hadn't. two months of leading conversations in directions that would make it so easy for him to ask her out, to make her feel special and pretty and wanted…but he never did.

_- she would curl up in the common room each night, oblivious to the noise and laughter around her, chewing on her lip, trying to understand why she felt so lonely, so lost, trying to figure out where he had gone and when he would be coming back, trying to convince herself that the reason she missed him and his stupid pranks and his stupid grin and his stupid voice and that stupid way he'd run his fingers through his hair wasn't because she fancied him – _

He stared at her in surprise as she turned to face him, furious

"what are you playing at James Potter?" she demanded, poking him in the chest hard.

He gaped at her and blinked. "uh...pardon me…?" he said uncertainly, rubbing the spot where her finger had jabbed him. She really was quite strong.

" I said" her teeth clenched " what are you bloody playing at James Potter?"

The corner of his mouth twitched in a smile " actually I believe you said ' what are you playing at James Potter' you never cur-"

She jabbed his chest again, harder. "Don't you even try changing the subject! Answer my question"

He took a small step backwards, intimidated by the fierce look in her green eyes. For such a small girl she was very scary. "Lily" he pleaded, hands held in front of him, " believe me, there's nothing I'd rather do right now than answer your question " not, he thought to himself, because if he didn't she would probably hex him to next week, " but I don't fully understand what exactly you're asking me…" he trailed off and tried to smile at her charmingly

She glared at him for a moment and poked him in the chest again.

"Owe!" he exclaimed. "stop that! It really hurts" he added in a low mutter, rubbing his chest.

She ignored what he said and poked him again.

"Lily!"

She took a step closer and folded her arms, narrowing her eyes at him. "Are you sick?"

"Wha..?" that had not been what he expected to come out of her mouth. At the dangerous glint her eyes he added quickly "No!"

"Are you fighting with Black?" she demanded.

"No, Sirius and I are fine, why?" _what in Merlin's name is going on?_ he thought, utterly confused as to why Lily Evans had suddenly taken such an interest in his life.

She ignored his question. "Did your parents die?"

"Lily what is going on –owe!" he exclaimed as she poked him the chest again "NO!" he grumbled as he rubbed his chest – it was going to bruise, he could feel it.

At his response she frowned and chewed on her lip, looking at the ground. James took the chance to take a few steps back. The further away from her, and those fingers, the better. Just when he thought it was over and he could go back to patrolling and NOT having the urge to look at her out of the corner of his eye and pretend that he was holding her hand, she looked back up at him, frustration swirling in her eyes.

"then why" she shouted "have you gone!"

"I don't – what?" he asked, startled.

"why have you GONE?" she repeated, sounding close to tears.

"Lily…I'm right here.." he assured her, patting his body all over to show her "see look.."

"No you stupid prat! I mean why have you..gone…left…you're just…" she trailed off and looked at him hopelessly. "gone." her cheeks tinged red.

Thoughts were running wild through James' head. He didn't get it, he honestly didn't get it. She had asked him what he was playing at when the more important question was what in merlin's beard was SHE playing at. the crazy bird, she complains when he pays attention to her, she complains when he compliments her, complains when he asks her out, complains when he does pretty much anything and now he'd left her alone for two whole bloody months and here she was complaining that he'd gone when he was CLEARLY standing right in front of her – suddenly it clicked. Oh. OH. He tried to stop the slow smile spreading across his face. OH!

She was looking at him suspiciously. He couldn't help it. He grinned at her. Her eyes narrowed in response. His grin widened. She stopped looking suspicious and started looking worried.

"Potter?" she asked nervously as he took a step towards her. "Potter, what are you doing?"

His eyes twinkled. "I'm coming back Lils. It's what you want." He kept advancing towards her, forcing her backwards

"No." she said, shaking her head "No, you're entirely too close to me" she squeaked as her back hit the wall.

"I have to disagree." He placed one hand next her head on the wall and she stared at it. "You know what I think Lils?" his voice was low and deep, rumbling out of his throat.

She swallowed and drew herself up to her full height. She still avoided looking him in the face though he noticed with amusement. "You know what _I_ think Potter?" she demanded, " I think you need to take a large step away from me before I…before I…"

"No that's not what I think" he told her, getting more amused by the second. "I think you missed my attention"

Her eyes flew to his face and she blushed bright red. "don't be ridiculous" she snapped. "why would I miss you tormenting me and…and…tormenting me…" her voice trailed off as his placed his other hand carefully on the other side of her head.

He mimicked her voice "you're just…gone" he pulled a sad face at her, delighted as she turned an even brighter shade of pink. "Admit it Evans. You want me, and you want me bad."

"The only thing I want Potter is for you to step away from me so we can finish our patrol and I can go to bed and pretend that this was a bad dream."

She didn't convince him and she didn't convince herself. Her heart was fluttering wildly in her chest and she could hardly breathe – Merlin she hoped he hadn't noticed, but judging by that smug look in his eyes he had. His face was so close to hers that she could see each individual fleck of green in his eyes, could feel his warm breath tickling her cheeks.

"Lily, you shouldn't deny it any longer. You fancy me. You tried to convince yourself you hated me for years and years – don't think I haven't noticed " she rolled her eyes at this but she was still flushed and gazing at him intently. "But you can't hide it any more. All those horrible things you said to me, all those times you've hit me…it's just been to disguise your true feeling. I've known all along"

Actually, he hadn't. For years now James had thought that Lily despised him and it had brought him countless nights of laying awake in his dorm, feeling sorry for himself as he tried to think of a new and exciting way to make Lily love him. But he could pretend and keep his dignity.

"All those times you've glared at me and professed your undying hatred to me" he continued, "you've really been saying 'I love you James Potter' every time you told me you'd rather snog a hippogriff you've really been saying 'take me to the broom closet and have your way with me' every time-"

"Oh for the love of all that is good in this world!" Lily huffed, finally fed up with him. "Can you do anything right Potter?" with that she wrapped her arms around a very startled James Potter's neck, tugged his face down to hers and kissed him thoroughly on the lips.

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A/N hee heeee well I had fun with that not sure how good it actually is and please be gentle it was my first fic and I wrote it at 4am in the morning (yes, I am a night owl)

Not sure exactly where I wanted it to go or anything…but yes ) I guess it shall do for now. Review and I'll love you ever and ever

P.s be nice O.O


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